If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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