He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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