She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
