I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
