the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Houston, we have a blender
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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