so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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