i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
