we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
