if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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