i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
