you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
