Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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