so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
