I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
