I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
