Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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