This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
