WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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