Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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