His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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