Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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