The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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