Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
