theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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