Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
