So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
