the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
me + whiskey = a bad person
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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