you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
