So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Found your dick twin last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
