He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
