You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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