I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
