can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's just like the Real World with babies
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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