We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
