Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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