I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it was like eating out sand paper
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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