Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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