I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
