I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Randomize
