I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
