Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk is not a location!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
