I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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