please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
