If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
high people should be assigned attendants
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
