Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
