i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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