I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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