I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
