I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
