I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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