I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
